If someone you love is living with a terminal illness, it can be hard to know what to say. Many people worry about saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all.
But even small words or simple acts of kindness can mean everything during this time.
Heather Hurd, director of Carilion Clinic Home Care and Hospice, shares these tips to help support a loved one who is facing the end of life.
What not to say: “Everything happens for a reason.”
This can feel dismissive or even hurtful. It may make someone feel like their illness is their fault.
What to say instead: “I don’t know why this is happening, but I’m here with you.”
You don’t need to have answers. Letting someone know you’re not going anywhere can be deeply comforting. Keep your words simple and avoid big explanations or spiritual statements unless they ask for them. Your role is to support, not to explain.
What not to say: “Have you made any arrangements?”
It’s important to have tough conversations with your loved ones before end-of-life care is needed. But this question can feel abrupt or overwhelming if it comes up without context.
What to say instead: “I love you, and I want to make sure that if I ever need to make decisions for you, I do it the way you would want. Can you help me understand what’s important to you?”
This opens the door to a meaningful conversation. If your loved one isn’t ready to talk about it, that’s okay. You can gently revisit the topic later.
What not to say: “I don’t want to talk about your illness.”
Your loved one may want to talk openly about what they’re going through. If they do, let them lead the conversation.
What to say instead: “I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk.”
Listening without judgment is one of the most powerful ways to show you care. Simply being present—without trying to fix anything—can be a deeply comforting gift.
Spending time with someone who is terminally ill truly makes a difference, even if it doesn’t always feel like it in the moment. Showing up, listening, and offering steady support can bring comfort to them—and meaningful perspective to you.
Learn more about hospice care.
