- Cancer is hard to talk about even though it affects most of us in one way or another.
- We talked with an expert to hear the do's and don'ts of talking to a loved one with cancer.
- Saying "I don't know what to say" is better than saying nothing.
At some point in our lives, we're all likely to be affected by cancer.
Whether it’s dealing with it personally, supporting a friend or a loved one or even just hearing about it in the news, it is an unfortunate reality for so many people.
While a cancer diagnosis makes the patient think about it all the time, the healthy people in their lives can find it an uncomfortable topic to discuss. That silence can increase the fear and isolation cancer patients already feel.
Our Oncology team has learned a lot from cancer patients about the kinds of things people think they should say compared to what is truly supportive. Read on for some of their insights.
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Don’t say: “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.”
It’s easy to say this, and most people probably feel that is the right thing to do. The intention is genuine, but it adds to the burden cancer patients already carry by asking them to make the decision. They have more important things to worry about!
If you want to help, be specific.
Instead, say: “I’m going to cook a meal for your family next week. I can bring it by Thursday unless there’s a better day for you. Does pasta and a salad work?”
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Don’t say: “Be grateful you don’t have (insert another disease).”
No matter what type of cancer or stage of cancer a person is diagnosed with, it is still a life-altering diagnosis. Nobody wants to be reminded how much worse a situation can be. While genuine positivity is welcome, minimizing someone's challenges has the effect of making them feel unsupported.
Instead, say: “I can't imagine what you're going through. If you feel comfortable sharing, I'm here to listen.”
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Don’t say: “I know someone with that type of cancer. Let me tell you all about it.”
While you may be trying to connect with your friend by providing a real-life example about someone else, each person’s experience with cancer is unique. What happens to one person may never happen to another. Even worse, if the person you’re sharing about had complications, that type of news can cause unnecessary anxiety.
Instead, say: “I know someone with that type of cancer. If you feel like you’d like to talk with them about their experience, I can put you in touch with them.”
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Don’t say: Nothing.
While you may not know what to say exactly, saying nothing can be more hurtful to a friend or loved one. Cancer can make people feel isolated and alone, so when friends stop reaching out, it can make them feel worse.
Saying something is always better than avoiding the topic, or your friend.
Instead, say: “I’m not sure what to say and I wish I could make this all go away, but I’m here for you. Let me know if you want to talk about it, cry about it or get some much needed distraction. I support you.”
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This article was reviewed by David Buck, MD, an oncologist with Carilion Clinic's partner in Oncology, Blue Ridge Cancer Care; and by Robert Trestman, PhD, MD, Carilion Clinic's chair of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine.
