While it is far more common than many people realize—affecting pregnant women of all ages and families of all races, ethnicities and income levels—it is rarely talked about outside of the hospital.
What is perinatal loss?
Carilion Clinic’s Forget-Me-Not program recognizes it as a loss that can occur anytime during a pregnancy and up to one year of a child’s life.
It is often defined as:
- A miscarriage
- An ectopic pregnancy
- A stillbirth
- The death of a newborn
- The death of a child of up to one year of age
For some, the loss may be anticipated; for others, it can happen unexpectedly and without warning.
While perinatal loss is all too common, Sharon Parker, R.N., a clinical program manager who works closely with Forget-Me-Not, emphasized that each grief journey is individual, and often complex.
Dreams, hopes and wishes for the child create a sense of attachment that can begin early in the pregnancy," she said, "sometimes even before someone becomes pregnant."
Thus the grief experienced with a perinatal loss is not based on the length of a pregnancy, but rather the attachment to the unborn child.
When someone experiences a perinatal or infant loss, they may feel any or all the following emotions:
- Isolation
- Guilt
- Anxiety
- Shock
- Deep sadness
And sometimes the loss feels surreal, like it’s happening to somebody else.
Common among families is the feeling that nobody understands what they’re going through—and they may be right. Friends and family may not know how to respond, so they may not say anything or make comments that do not acknowledge the depth of the grief experienced.
Parker described the complicated grief that can result as "disenfranchised grief," which happens when a person is denied the right to grieve or when others do not see the loss as valid.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Support for Perinatal Loss
The Forget-Me-Not program at Carilion Clinic supports individuals and families with guidance and support during their hospital stay, including:
- Opportunities to take photos with special outfits or mementos
- Autopsy and genetic testing to inform future pregnancies
- Chaplain support—regardless of belief or non-belief
Because feelings of isolation can remain and intensify for long after the experience, the program also offers community events that encourage families to gather and recognize their loss in a healing, supportive way.
The support of family and friends is critical as well.
If someone you care for has experienced perinatal loss, the most important thing you can do for them is to allow them to grieve the way they need to, for as long as they need to. Some may not want to talk about their loss, while others find it healing to talk about it.
It is important to understand that healthy grief does not require “getting over” a loss or forgetting that it happened. Instead, it is about remembering—acknowledging the loss and cherishing the memories.
Visit the Forget-Me-Not page on our website to find more information and a substantial list of resources that can help both parents and siblings who are carrying this uniquely complex grief.
The Myth of “Prevention”
The causes of miscarriage and stillbirth vary and are largely still unknown, making “prevention” a challenging concept that can increase feelings of guilt and shame.
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends the same healthy habits for anyone who is pregnant or considering becoming pregnant:
- Be sure that medical conditions, such as high blood pressure and diabetes, are under control before and during pregnancy.
- Avoid smoking cigarettes during pregnancy.
- Strive to reach and maintain a healthy weight before pregnancy.
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Find more information about support surrounding loss:
